Thursday, 14 October 2010

Watch with Rant: X Factor

Watch with Rant - This is the first of what I hope will be a regular item on this blog, where I will detail the successes, and more importantly, the short-comings on the bright thing in the corner of your living rooms.

Where better to start than a show that divides the nation, the X Factor.

Some see it as the return of family entertainment/variety to prime time TV, harmless fun and a way of discovering the next star. 
Others, myself included, believe it to be the worst sort of entertainment. The X Factor is a cheap, vulgar, and uninspired way of filling close to 4 hours of airtime across the ITV network as well as being a huge cash-cow for a desperate channel looking to sell some prime time advertising slots in the run up to Christmas.

My main gripe with the show is its blatant exploitation of the deluded. For the first 6 weeks of the show we go through the open auditions, which at times remind me of a Victorian tour of Bedlam, with only the very best, and more importantly, the very worst being put up for judgment in front of the four cunts of the a-pop-ocalypse. (you like what I done there?)
Wading through the shit of auditions which including a couple of out of tune bovines who ended their duet with a punch (then an topless appearance in the Daily Sport) and after overly dramatic and drawn out decision process the fine 14 contestants were selected. 

So with a mixture of boredom and indifference (due to the girlfriend having firm control of the remote) I faced the curtain raiser to the series.

Here's my comments about the contestants I made out loud during the show.

  • a dull voice, wonky eyes, a dodgy outfit and can't walk & sing at the same time. Apart from that a faultless performance

  • WHAT THE  FUCK  IT  THAT? someone give him a mirror. 
  • Right, those chaps ARE wearing condoms over their heads right?
  • Lets not beat about the bush on this one - storm lee is looking like a proper cunt

Belle Amie
  • Belle Amie's father is actually David, the famous nature loving, bearded presenter
  • Hey Belle Amie, Holland called, it wants it's flatness back

  • A mix of elizabeth taylor and a crack whore
  • Oh fuck she's "freestyling"
  • Cher looks how Cheryl would of looked like if they hadn't caught the malaria in time (and had been living with full-blown AIDS for a year) 

Diva Fever
  • Glad they're not over camping it up too much
  • perhaps the only thing more gay would be, oooo, i don't know.... rimming?

  • Shit, that bloke from Bloc Party has let himself go a bit!

  • wow-look at Katie, she's like a futuristic knight! No... go'on fuck off, back to reception and get me a coffee while you're at it
  • yeah, you remind me of Cyndi Lauper, no hold on, I meant Cindy: the Leper
  • clear up on studio 3..... 
  • you know they say that black is slimming, well THEY are fucking liars, you can't slim down a whale 
  • wow, those earrings really take the focus of her massive bulbus head

  • Has someone removed Nicolo roof of his mouth? he can't pronounce any of the words? it's like lester piggott doing karaoke 

One Direction
  • One Direction? which direction do you reckon? yes, thats right, Louis ' dressing room.
  • One Direction: bad singing, horrible horrible acting and fucking awful lip syncing
  • One Direction give Louis wand erection

  • Wagner From Sao Paulo to Dudley, wearing crushed velvet smoking jacket and being every married mums fantasy, Yes Wagner, I love you 

  • oh look at Aiden, look how awkward he is, so uncomfortable he is, if he get any more "different" he'll be presenting T4 tomorrow.. 
  • but fuck me, he's actually not that bad at all
  • although he may knife on someone
  • Treyc I hate already, just purely on the way she spell her name, fucking illiterate parents          

If you haven't watched the show yet, I won't spoil it for you but Nicolo and FYD (an act I didn't mention in this post because they were actually quite good) were booted off the show.


  1. I have deliberately opted out of watching X Factor this year. I have watched it previous years but it's just addictive trash TV and I've got better things to do. I youtubed Cher after reading your post...hard to believe she made it anywhere after that audition. I thought this was a talent show?

  2. I have never watched X Factor, but I have read that Ben Elton book - Chart Throb - which takes the piss out of it. It's all you need to know about X Factor. Ever.